I thought about holiness on my run today. Pretty heavy duty for a Sunday morning.
Ever since I was diagnosed with blood clots in my legs and lungs last month, I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and responsibility to live a more righteous life. I feel like if I do the wrong thing, that somehow God is going to punish me by giving me more clots or some other health problem to teach me a lesson. Seems silly, I know, but this feeling may be due, in part, to the promise I made God when I was admitted to the hospital last month. I told him that if He got me past this and let me live, I would try to be a better person and live more righteously.
It’s not as easy as I first thought it would be. Forbidden apples and judgements are everywhere. Now I question every decision, every action, every judgement, and feel enormously guilty all the time. It’s been hard for me to relax and just live. I feel I should be doing something more.
I suppose that’s one of the reasons I run—to be someone better.
I think I need to get back to what it truly means to be a runner, to live a life worth meaning. And to keep my holy promise.
Why would God want you to feel guilty? All we can do is listen to Spirit and try to follow the call to the best of our ability, allowing ourselves our human frailties. Listening and following gets easier over time. Guilt just leads to heart attacks. Go easy and believe in God’s love.
Jason I think you are way to hard on yourself . There are so many people that are I’ll in the world .some terminal,others in wheelchairs ,paralyzed ,stroke patients . You can get up in the morning go to work and have the ability to live a normal productive life . I think this is not a god issue as more a life issue . I’m might be a good idea to visit and volunteer an hour with cancer patients some children even might give you a different perspective .
I have always seen running as a spiritual experience. Clears the mind and body, to focus on what’s important. Plus, the time commitment forces better priority management during the non-running times.
I started running 7 years ago, to release stress and yell at God, when my teenage son was diagnosed with stage IV leukemia. At the time I weighed in at just over 300 pounds. I believe the running and conversations with God (often very heated) saved the lives of both me and my son.
This week-end I am running the 31 mile Gasperella Michelob Challenge in Tampa
Jason, I met you at a fitness conference years ago, and I have gone to your lectures a few times. They were all so informative, and I could appreciate them with my background in exercise physiology and as a runner. I have also read many of your articles/blog posts. However, this is the first time I have been compelled to respond to you personally. I have been a Christian for years, and I have seen lots of people with this same thought process when in a difficult situation and especially in a health crisis. Jesus came to give us freedom from our wrongdoings so we could live without fear an oppression. You won’t be able to be righteous on your own, and that is why Jesus came, died in your place (and mine), and was raised to life. Sounds foolish to those who don’t know Him personally, but it is a truth I have experienced. It is freeing. All the trying and striving is not what God wants us, as His beloved children, to experience. Do I still struggle with sin? Of course, and I will until I die, but I don’t have to be crushed by it. As a cancer survivor, I also know how it feels to have health issues and to want to make deals with God. I know He has my best interest at heart and that He is trustworthy. I don’t have it all figured out, Jason, but I know He does.
There is a part of you that must know you are a good person and that you treat people the way that you want to be treated. Isn’t that all we really should be focused on? You’re a really good person and have helped many people, there are far more innocent and helpless people who have been struck by disease, hunger and war, it’s just life. This isn’t about God, this is about you making a choice to live a full life, whatever that means for you. Keep doing the things that you do while still improving yourself, but don’t feel guilty about doing the wrong things, It’s a waste of time. Just live.
Maybe your life is the marathon that you’ve never run before, you are at the very beginning of something new, unexplored, scared because you don’t know yet if you are truly strong enough to make it through the whole race, not sure how your mind or body will hold up, yet you are committed to try it and maybe even think there could be a chance you might be able to push harder than most and come out on top. Your expertise will carry you through any hardship in life but remember a marathon isn’t over in a few minutes it’s long distance, it takes hours. This situation in your life won’t go away immediately but you have the knowledge and tools to get through it and come out on top. Keep the faith and promise!